SURRENDER
For thus says the Lord God "Indeed I Myself will search for My sheep
and seek them out.
As a shepherd seeks out his flock on the day he is among his scattered sheep,
so I will seek out My sheep and deliver them from all the places
where they were scattered on a cloudy and dark day.
Ezekiel 34 - 11 - 12
Winter turned to early spring as we continued to apply for work the morning mail inevitably bringing
one rejection after another. A few days earlier a booklet had dropped on to the door mat delivered by Christians in a small local free church in the town. It was missionary outreach by the world famous German evangelist Reinhard Bonnke. I knew nothing of this man but the booklet From Minus to Plus was beautifully illustrated the message simple but direct and as I read each page I agreed whole heartedly with the contents, the world was on a downward spiral. I felt a wet nose nudge the book out of my hand, it was time to exercise the dogs.
Days later William returned from an agreed interview involving a three hour round trip by train only to find the whereabouts of his interviewer were unknown. This unethical behaviour was common in a market saturated by rogue companies, some appeared and disappeared only to start elsewhere with the same directors. The following day he was due to sign on and still attempting to stay positive he left the house calling up the stairway "I'm off to the Joke Centre"
Now I was close to the edge caught in a trap of my own making. Why did I make those choices, I was expert at cutting my nose off to spite my face. Why hadn't I made provision for such a time as this.
Living in a tiny cottage paperwork invariably found its way to the one spare room and I noticed the booklet From Minus to Plus resting on top of a pile of paperwork on the window sill.
It was a beautiful sunny morning, bird song drifted in the open window occasionally interrupted by the
buzz of traffic racing down the hill. The garden was bathed in sunlight but it would be late afternoon
before the west facing room caught the rays of the setting sun. Picking up the booklet I sat on the edge of the bed once again reading through the pages. On the final page I found the prayer of commitment, I doubt I really believed at that moment that reading a simple prayer would result in what followed.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I respond to your invitation and come to you in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ.
I come with all my sins, heartaches................................................................................... now I was kneeling, sobbing in complete surrender. I could not fight this any more. I cried out in desperation "God help me" if He really existed, if He could hear my cry, He was the only one that could fix my mess. I was aware of my many failures. My sins of pride. My rejection of His very existence as I fell wounded by parental wrath was deadlier although nowhere near as sensational as the sins of the flesh. I needed His forgiveness.
What followed changed the rest of my life. Light seemed to fill the room, a sensation I could only ever describe as a warm thick liquid poured over my head, shoulders and down through my body. What on earth was that? I remained for some time in the afterglow oblivious to the passage of time immersed in a feeling of complete peace.
Surrender
Battered, broken, bathed in pain
tears that flood, I'm barely sane.
An empty void I cannot fill
broken pride, my stubborn will.
Pictures crowding in my mind
painful memories taunt and bind.
Remembering how I turned from Him,
unforgiving, steeped in sin.
Loathing, judging, carried down
to a place I could be found.
As sunlight filled my tiny space
I reached to touch His saving grace
and felt a warm and flowing oil
poured upon my shattered form.
Hands that gently touched my soul
forgiving, healing, making whole.
My sudden joyful swift release
experiencing His Holy peace.
T. Hills
2003
How could I ever fully describe what had just taken place to anyone. I expected William to react but strangely he didn't. I considered he probably thought I had finally lost the plot, it would be all down to stress. Although there was little change in my immediate circumstances I was able to face each day with the hope that things would improve. The sense of peace and calm remained.
Within a couple of months I had applied for three jobs and attended two interviews both in the South of England. I had also sent an application to From Minus to Plus for more information and details of the nearest Christian Fellowship. When the telephone contact came I knew I was facing a move to another part of the country. I kept the name of the caller assuring him if I eventually returned home I would get in touch.
Now I was taking decisions to the Lord, seeking His counsel. Would it be right to face yet another upheaval, should I wait for a different scenario. I was now experiencing the occasional vivid dream, too real to be forgotten often waking in the early hours. We considered the move which would mean leaving the relative security of our own home and at this point my acceptance letter remained awaiting my signature.
The dream that followed that night was vivid. I was walking in a dark pre war semi detached house on the edge of an unknown town. The rooms were filled with clutter. Perhaps when we had cleared the junk and got around to decorating the place in pale colours it would look better. I had always enjoyed the challenge of making a new home. I walked into the rear dining room and for some unknown reason pressed my hand against the wallpaper. It gave to the touch and I had the weirdest feeling there was a body behind the paper. Walking back into the hallway I entered a long narrow kitchen. The rear door opened into a garden. Flowers of every conceivable hue brilliant beyond anything I had ever see in my lifetime bordered rambling beds divided by a path that led to a small gate. Sheds on the left hand side of the garden were filled with every conceivable need. Green hills rolled into the distance against a backdrop of a perfect blue sky. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I awoke suddenly with a start, it was only 3.0am.
Throughout the day the dream came repeatedly to mind, somehow I felt this was significant because my interviews had been held on a hot sunny day in lush Sussex countryside. Flowers in full bloom were twice the size of their northern counterparts. The gentle rolling downs the direct opposite of the barren often burnt heather moorland of my home. I knew this was the right move and I signed my acceptance letter.
My daughter was delighted at the news I would be living in the next county. She had given her life to the Lord three years earlier and had prayed for her wayward Mum. Now we were not only mother and daughter but sisters in Christ. Keen to get me into a local church she arranged to arrive early one Sunday morning and suggested we visit a few churches. I felt very apprehensive after all it was thirty years since I last crossed a church threshold. We arrived late for the start of the morning service and every head turned at the noisy intruders. We were gently ushered into vacant seats and as I gazed around this simple house of God I noticed apart from a couple of banners and some flowers on a raised platform there was not a statue in sight.
Ten months later in a simple ceremony in the little Baptist church I gave my commitment to the Lord.
I was more than nervous at the thought of being immersed. After all I couldn't swim. Memories of my childhood attempts at the local swimming pool encouraged by my father's cry "jump I'll catch you" instead leaving me to sink like a brick had given me a lifelong fear of deep water. Now the thought of my head being pushed under water never mind my whole body filled me with trepidation. But I knew I needed to do this. This would be my commitment.
My pastor arrived for the start of a series of bible study sessions. During the course of our conversation I considered it appropriate to admit that although I now possessed a bible I was not brilliant at remembering anything these days, never mind bible text, and considered I had probably broke the sixth commandment many times. How this godly man kept his composure I will never know. That statement implied he was sitting in front of a mass murderer. Observing his pallor I realised I had got the wrong commandment and quickly followed with " I mean honour your father and mother"
Perhaps very relieved he graciously forgave my numerical inaccuracy and said "That very much depends on the mother and father you had, tell that to an abused child" I believe to this day that that man was a divine appointment. The Lord knew his battered sheep needed a gentle handler who would led her to
believers baptism. I remain eternally grateful to Dr. Graham Watts.
Now avidly reading every recommended publication by Christian authors I realised my experience was a shared one, that if others considered it a figment of a vivid imagination there were brothers and sisters who had been similarly blessed. The witness statements of baptisms were dramatic and as the day approached, something or someone was reminding me thirty years was a long time in the wastelands, would I be called to account. As the morning dawned I was filled with trepidation.
My testimony was simple. Christmas 93 - a present from my daughter - the Holy Bible. Weeks later it had remained in pristine condition the pages unopened. February 94 depressed and sickened by personal events my daughter encouraged read Matthew 11 - verse 28. April 94 - From Minus to Plus arrived on the doormat and more out of curiosity than intent I found myself reading the book from cover to cover. I prayed the prayer of commitment, the testimony continued..............ending with "finally I received a date for this baptism and I reached for my office calendar to mark today's date.
On a beautiful photograph of a waterfall the words for the month quoted Revelation 21:5 "I am making everything new" and on the day of my baptism on 16th July 1995 "1 John 1.3. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and His son Jesus Christ. I completed my testimony with "Although christened as a tiny baby in accordance with the rites of my parents church, this baptism is my choice, my renewal and re-birth in the Lord....Jesus Christ.....my Saviour.
The time spent under the water seemed around ten minutes - it was a couple of seconds. I felt I was not alone. There was a stillness and peace perhaps too difficult to put into words. Gasping for breath I was lifted up as the congregation shouted "Jesus lives" The service was witnessed by my son, his wife and our five grandchildren, my daughter remained at the side of the baptismal pool holding my towel. My son-in-law took precious photographs that remain a constant reminder. I am grateful that my church allowed this privilege. One grandchild declared "I want to be baptized when I am older" may she remember that - I pray with all my heart that she comes to know her Saviour and Lord. We followed with a party of all parties and for three months I danced on air. The past buried, new beginnings.
My pastor cautioned the euphoria would not last and that I would be seriously challenged in the months ahead but I was too happy to understand the implications or take his comment seriously. I had much to learn. Observers commented "she's got Jesus" it was meant as a well meaning joke, but how right they were. Life was good. William had found contract work in a factory, we had managed to find a tenant for our property in the North. Our finances were slowly beginning to improve, we actually had money in the bank.
William accepted the the change with stoical amusement. I was often the subject of ridicule amongst the non-believers in the family. But there were no arguments this time. William considered I probably needed an emotional crutch after all our lives had been one crisis after another for many years.
Welcomed into the church membership I was just happy to absorb the teaching and sing to the Lord.
I was oblivious to anything other than being happy to be in a flock led by someone I admired and respected. In reality I was about to pick up my cross.
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