HOPE

The young girl sat hunched in the back of a taxi cab wondering why her parents had called her Hope.  If this evening went well she would have to invent another name to fit her new image.     The driver shouted "Is this okay love or do you want me to park outside the club".   "No thanks" she replied "this is just fine, there's already a crowd outside, I'll walk the rest of the way".   "Okay" shouted the driver "take care, its pretty rough around here this time of night" and as he pulled away from the kerb he wondered why such a nice kid was half naked on such a bleak miserable winter's night.   "She's sending out the wrong signals" he muttered to himself.   The weekend would bring its share of drugged and drunk kids who staggered, collapsed and vomited all over his leather seats and he had to clean it up.   She would probably end up in the gutter along with her mates.   What a wasted generation.

Hope started to walk down the dimly lit street.   Her life had changed quite suddenly when she won a competition to meet her idol.   This third session was just a publicity shoot, but it was a start.   Seen in his presence she might even make it into the daily papers.

The Door keeper stood in the shadows by a shabby front door in a block of old terraced houses.    He appeared to be whispering to someone.

They have to realise their need
They have to ask
They can't be forced

The Door keeper observed the approaching figure her stiletto heels clicking on the wet pavement.   The cold foggy night air wrapped around her, painted face and skimpy skirt advertising her intent.   The Door keeper spoke "you must be cold in that outfit".   She turned in the direction of the voice and saw a very ordinary man dressed in a large shabby overcoat.   There was nothing desirable about him yet his gaze seemed compassionate and concerned.   "Are you going somewhere exciting" he asked.    "Yes" she replied "I won a competition a few weeks ago to meet Resucca, have you heard of him?" she went on "he's got a wonderful voice.   He usually comes back to his roots every now and again.   The club at the end of the street was where he got started, photographers and fans are already waiting for his arrival.   I am his guest for the night.  Its so exciting, he thinks I have great potential and that with his help I could go far.    He is very very rich now" she whispered in total awe and leaving the figure in the doorway she continued down the street towards the neon lights and noisy crowd.

A black stretch limo rolled slowly around the corner and parked outside the grubby venue.   Its contents spilled on to the roadway.   Resucca stood six foot five inches tall, darkly handsome simply oozing charm.  His body guards formed a circle protecting him from the screaming women and a sea of clutching hands.   He saw Hope as she teetered down the street and smiled.   She moved eagerly in his direction.   She didn't smell the sulfur, hear the crackle of burning souls, see the trail of his victims or the beautifully embellished box into which he planned, in due course, to place her soul.   She trembled, was it excitement or fear she wasn't sure.  

One wrong step and her heel caught in a grid cover and she was down to the mocking laughter of his bodyguards.   The pain in her ankle was excruciating but she was more concerned about her appearance, ripped tights, torn skirt, wet and dirty and where was her handbag?      A wave of nausea swept over her.

Strong arms reached down and gently lifted her.   A warm overcoat covered her frail body and
she fainted.   Ressuca glanced over his shoulder as he was pushed into the foyer of the club.   He knew the Door keeper.   There would be another time, he would wait, there would be other meetings.   She was taking the bait.   He liked them innocent and hungry, the thrill of the chase.

The shabby door opened into a small cosy room.   A fire blazed in the grate.   The Door keeper relieved of his burden drew the chair closer to the warmth, placed his hand on the broken bones, closed his eyes and whispered strange words to an unseen companion, then he sat and waited.

She was unaware of the passage of time but the pain had eased.   The Door keeper spoke "would you like to share my simple supper, its just a bowl of chicken soup, Jewish penicillin they call it"  he laughed, its really good for you, here have some bread as well".   She nodded her reply enquiring "are you Jewish" he laughed again "but of course"  She didn't realise how hungry she was and the soup tasted so good.

He spoke "the man you were meeting, does he have a plan for you?"   The girl replied "I'm not sure, he promises many things.   He considers I have a good voice and could have a really bright future, but I need a nose job, my teeth need attention and I would have to dress, well, appropriately.   My Mum always used to say "its feathers that make the bird" but everything costs so much.    He says I would be worth his investment, he has already given me expensive presents and I have only know him a few weeks.

The Door keeper smiled sadly.   The child had such low self esteem and like so many of her peer group had been seduced by the siren call of materialism, air brushed beauty, constantly dissatisfied with their own appearance and envying celebrities and their indulgent life styles.  

The Door keeper spoke "The man you were meeting has friends in governments and palaces around the world.   You have choices to make Hope"   She questioned "how do you know my name" he smiled and continued "but those who chose this man's friendship and gifts inevitably pay the ultimate price, yes they have fame and just about anything money can buy and yet they always want more, it is never enough.

My followers know nothing of wealth.   They are often rejected, despised, persecuted, ridiculed and hated.   Some even lose their very lives standing for my Truth, but their treasure is in my home.  

As He spoke another door opened and she saw a landscape of incredible beauty.    There was something slightly familiar about the scene.  Perhaps thousands of years ago the earth might have looked the same, before man discovered concrete and asphalt, destroyed trees and living creatures in the name of greed.   People walked there, the atmosphere was one of harmony, joy, the air filled with the sounds of laughter and music.    She found herself in the hall of a huge white building.   She reached to touch the surface of one of the many pillars supporting the ceiling.   It was smooth, white and unblemished,  having the appearance of marble.   Young people walked in and out of the many doors, into the lawned gardens, laughing and greeting each other as they went.  

The door slammed shut.    She turned to face the Door keeper.   Just look at me.  I see a fat ugly person,
but He knew the truth, she had starved herself at every opportunity to look like the skeletal women she worshipped.    I would have given anything to have a perfect figure, flawless skin, how could anyone think me beautiful.

The Door keeper smiled  "I do, I see your soul.   Very few can handle what you desire, even those who think they are strong, it eventually destroys them.    The Door keeper rose.   His shabby clothes fell away.   Pure light radiated from his very being and in that light she saw her tattered dress, her filthy rags.   She crumpled to her knees, she knew she was lost and unworthy to be in this man's presence.  But most of all she now knew who He was  "Forgive me" she whispered, "help me, please"

She found herself back in the street.   An irritated photographer yelled "you are late, are you coming or not.   Resucca does not like being kept waiting.    "NOT" she shouted back.
Hope was reborn and renewed that night.   Friends she confided in suggested she had imagined the whole thing and missed her golden opportunity for success, fame and fortune, but she held fast to the vision.

Seven years passed and another taxi drew to a halt in the same little street.   "Is that okay Pastor" the driver shouted "That's fine" she replied.   "Busy night ahead then" he asked "yes and its getting worse there are so many people living rough everywhere, the authorities keep moving them on, keeping them as far as they can from the gated communities of the rich.   Time is short, we need to get the message out, we know we can't save them all, we do what we can for their practical needs, stand in the gap, and leave them in the Father's hands.   We hold fast to His promise:

Revelation

21 - 4

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes;

there shall be no more death, sorrow or crying.

There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

  

"You'll get your reward in heaven then" he joked and she doubted he really believed that one.   "Take care" he shouted "its really rough out there at this time of night" she laughed "no problem" she replied "I'm meeting John and Paul, they'd scare the hell out of anyone" and she chuckled at her own humour.
"Thanks anyway, good night, God bless.

He watched as the slight figure wearing dark trousers and black jacket with the emblem STREET PASTOR walked towards the shabby old door.   "I'm sure I've seen that woman somewhere" he muttered to himself as he drove into the night.

John 10 (9)

Yeshua said "I am the door.

If anyone enters by Me he will be saved,

and will go in and out and find pasture.

DOVES

As I searched on line for the programme schedule of a Christian t.v. station on the internet I noticed a critical blog by a former supporter of the channel.  The man went to great lengths regarding his disapproval of the latest additions and schedules whilst saluting the genuinely sincere intentions of the founders, nevertheless he had decided they were to lose his support.

His comments regarding Israel were somewhat strange.    On the occasions I had visited the site I found reporting on the Middle East honest and balanced.  The Barry Segal programme on the land of Israel and the customs of the Jewish people is informative and at times amusing.

Presuming the complainant is a Christian himself, does he not understand the God of the bible is the God of the Jewish people and Yeshua is our Hebrew Lord and Saviour.   Yes,  Jesus was a Jew and  Christian gentiles are grafted into the vine.    The Messiah is coming back to His land, His people.  

In the U.K. OFCOM have ensured Christian broadcasts are in every way bland, inoffensive to all and toothless.    They very quickly arrive on the scene telling the organisation concerned  "you can't say that" thereby totally disarming the concept of freedom of speech, which is very convenient for the "new wave, replacement theology, prosperity teachers,  God's Word watered down and blurred at the edges.

2 Timothy 4 - 3
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they heap up for themselves teachers.

With the exception of the excellent teaching by Jacob Prasch, the late Dwight Pryor, David Hocking, Dave Hunt and David Wilkerson I prefer to seek solace and Holy Spirit guidance reading my bible,  steering well clear of the white suited perfectly manicured celebrities with Lear Jet and Rolex watch, and the numerous authors who sell their exalted opinions on what God actually meant by this and that.

T.V. celebrities of some channels seemingly rake in millions with the encouragement you can become an angel or plant a tree in Israel!   The certificate arrived but I doubt I will ever find my tree in Israel.   In fact I have to take their word for any planting.      So perhaps I could be forgiven for not wanting to read this man's very lengthy article nit picking Revelation T.V.    Facebook and the media are awash with self appointed prophetesses and experts and I seriously doubt some would know their Messiah if they fell over him.      

As I studied various texts in my bible the words would catch my attention and speak into my life.
I highlight a passage thinking YES!!!!     Strangely when this text was used and preached by true men of God it was confirmation and affirmation.    The Father leads His children around the globe and His Holy Spirit will bring enlightenment to any soul sincerely struggling to understand WHY.

Time to call in the Lollards.     In total obedience to Matthew 10  they went two by two in long red robes, staff in hand.    Having freely received they freely preached the gospel to the people.  

Fortunately I keep a daily journal as I don't have a photographic brain and as someone quoted amusingly  "life is like toilet paper, when it is getting near the end of the roll it goes fast.   I was searching for the date of a dream I had logged which even I had been unable to forget.

In January 2008 I had logged a quote I had either heard or read "Just get ready to lose some friends for where God is taking you they can't go"   I then discovered the entry I was seeking in March 2008.  

Sheds that in past vivid dreams had been filled with every conceivable need stood empty.   I had searched the first two sheds and had somehow reached the conclusion our very survival was threatened.   I instructed a small group of people to burn bits of furniture on a makeshift fire to keep warm, that we would have to mend and make do using whatever we could find and turn the former garden of well tended beds and lawns to growing food as quickly as the season would allow.   Yes it was a fat cow, lean cow dream of what has come to pass for many people since then and continues to this day.  

Recalling my dream to a wealthy atheist relative he scoffed  "it won't affect me"  He clearly viewed my witness with contempt,  but my reply came instantly and spontaneously  "it will if the banks crash"     He rarely passes a comment these days.

Matthew 16 - 17 (study note)  The deity of Christ is a truth known only by divine revelation.
MEANWHILE I STAND IN THE GAP BEFORE GOD - for my little brother.

Some excellent tips were logged in August 2008

The challenge is living in a society contrary to your beliefs.
Your main witness "your Christian life lived - walking the walk"
Keep your eyes on Yeshua.
Don't get diverted or distracted by contrary winds blowing around your family.

BE AS GENTLE AS DOVES.
They can only see straight ahead - wise birds.

It's not what someone did, or said that caused concern
YOU TOOK YOUR EYES OFF YESHUA.

I will always log discovered gems of wisdom,  I am humble enough to know you never stop learning.
I will forever seek the blessing of a spirit of discernment in the minefield of today's witnesses  knowing however well intentioned the evangelists or the promotion by pen or media,  it is only by true personal revelation a soul turns homeward.





  

      

FOREFATHERS

If you have had revelation from God you are truly blessed and rich beyond your wildest dreams but as
the tide flows ever stronger towards growing apostasy you will have to cling fast to the dreams and visions and stand on the Word of God.

Only yesterday a non believer chuckled as he related yet another rapture scenario that hadn't happened.
I am amazed how many Christians consider they are to be spared suffering, yet their Saviour was literally butchered for them.    They should read their bibles and remember the world is watching their witness.

Matthew 24 - 36
Yeshua said " But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.

Matthew 24 - 21 - 22
Yeshua said  "For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be.

 "And unless those days were shortened, no flesh would be saved; but for the elect's sake those days will be shortened"


Perhaps if we consider the historical evidence freely available on the internet regarding the Reformation Forefathers, in no particular order or rank, John Wycliffe, graduate of Oxford University considered the "Morning Star of the Reformation,  Rowland Taylor, William Tyndale, John Wesley, Charles Spurgeon - he of the famous quote "it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me" to mention just a few, and observe the list of those burnt at the stake by supposed followers of Christ and the "dark doings" of the Catholic church and her papacy, we should get the message that those who stood for Christ, considered holy men and women of God,  have met very messy deaths at the hands of the Apostate Church.   There is no excuse for ignorance.

Matthew 10 - 38 - 39
Yeshua said "and He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
And the consolation prize
"He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

In this once great Christian nation there are children of the remnant as undoubtedly there are around the globe.   The battle is still bloody and horrific at the hands of radical Islam and few realise the implications for the western world of the so called Arab Spring heavily backed by Britain and America.
But judgement is surely coming on those whose aim is to divide His land.     

Even Abraham in anguished conversation with his Maker tentatively pleaded for the people.
Genesis 18 -  Verse 32
Then he (Abraham said) "Let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak but once more: suppose ten should be found there? And He (God) said I will not destroy it for the sake of ten.   But of course as we know in Verse 15 - Lot was told to get out quick as God was going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.     Fact:   Sodom is not a pretty place to drive through and recent archeological discoveries include "sulpher balls"  the place is barren and desolate, they surely paid the price.

Church of the prosperity preachers beware - nothing but nothing should come before God.   He doesn't hand out lottery prizes, He hands out Crosses.   Every idol (and I don't mean a golden calf) anything that takes the place of God in man's heart.   Be it possessions, worshipping celebrities,
wealth or status and you are in a dangerous place.

SELF

Bigger, better, I want more,

ambition holds me in its claw.

Feel the strength, touch the power,

success, achievement by the hour.

Personal space filled to the brim,

things to treasure, things I'll bin,

File it, store it, hide away,

may need that another day.

Sunrise, sunset all the same,

busy working life's fast lane.

Packing, flying, chase the sun,

spend the money, have some fun.

Driving past the vacant stare,

huddled in a cardboard chair.

Despising weakness, where is pride,

not my concern their vision died.

My humble roots, his simple trade,

I fought and schemed, my future made.

My taxes keep the likes of you,

get off your back and pay your due.

Suddenly my life is still,

desires and dreams beyond my will.

Visions of my life ahead,

imprisoned in a sterile bed.

Captive now, I have no choice,

but listen to a still small voice.

A future that I could not see,

finds the soul inside of me.

Huddled in a metal chair,

sensing beauty everywhere,

this precious earth, sky and sea,

proclaim The Power that set me free.

Reaching for Your outstretched Hand,

I'll take the second chance You planned,

and try, until my life is through,

to walk the path that pleases You.

T. Hills.

Copyright 2003

Throughout the turbulence of this dying year we have realised that Government leaders rarely listen to the voice of the people they serve, the ugly face of anarchy mingles with peaceful protestors

and the net falls on guilty and innocent alike.      

Revelation 18 (3 - 4)

And I heard another voice saying "come out of her, my people, lest you share in her sins, and lest you receive of her plagues.

WE - THE REMNANT - ARE CALLED OUT - TO STAND APART FROM THE WAYS OF THIS WORLD.

A study note on Revelation 17 in my NJV bible regarding the fall of Babylon is a very relevant comparison.

"The fall of Babylon gives an illustration of the spiritual principle that anti Christian political and military powers inevitably destroy the economy and the nation or civilization they undergird.

Are we seeing any comparison here - does it ring any warning bells!!!!!!!!!!!!

The timbers are rotten, her sails torn, the ship is listing badly and no amount of prayer can alter

what is WRITTEN.    Man's own greed has all but destroyed this precious gift of our creator God.

The population for the greater part remain anaesthetized, their brains haggled and controlled by drugs, drink, sexual perversion and the materialism of this world.      They witness appalling cruelty and manipulation of innocent children too late, another decadent generation will rise to maturity,  yet they cannot conceive they are being controlled and manipulated.   Even the slave trade continues, albeit with a different face, but its there.  

Concern and apathy mingle on the faces of the people they complain "isn't it terrible, what a wicked world"   This is precisely what happens when people abandon God - He turns his face away and allows our enemies to rise.

SHALOM - SHALOM - SHALOM  brothers and sisters of the Remnant.  Matt. 6 - 25

Remember the words of Yeshua - Do not worry about your life.................................................................

33 - Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness......

We cannot open blind eyes and deaf ears, only the prevenient grace of God can save,  and divine election remains a mystery.   Why God chooses one and not another.

May we carry our cross knowing our time is short, but eternity is forever in His Kingdom to come. 

Suggested reading:   Judgement Day by Dave Hunt.

Suggested Viewing:  Honest Reporting.com - Struggle for Peace in the Middle East - Raphael Shore.

  

      

   

   

Nevertheless the time of harvest approaches for us.   Judgement is surely coming on Britain and America.   Sadly the innocent suffer as a direct result of those in leadership who are once again intent on breaking the Balfour Declaration and dividing His land again.      


We have had a clear witness this year of what happens when people peacefully protest against the government and get caught up in the mayhem that ensured.    Dark forces are at work

OMEGA

Luke 16 - 31

But he said to him "if they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though
one rise from the dead.

OMEGA

Only when they see You in all Your glory

will they bow the knee.

Only then will they weep and tremble

and know they are wretched and powerless.

Those who think themselves Gods will be torn down,

their theories, philosophies and government irrelevant.

Your hand will lift the humble

as Your remnant groans in spirit and pleads mercy for the lost sheep of Your pastures.

False leaders and prophets try to outrun Your all seeing eye,

there is no escape from Your wrath.

Now all see Your power and glory as You rise and smote the accuser

scattering his squealing cohorts and the pit welcomes its victims.

And still they mock the watchman and ridicule the dreamer,

history repeats itself, Sodom and Gomorrah revisited.

Mountains and hills shake, thunder resounds in the valleys,

trees clap their hands and bow in holy worship.

You lift up the seas and fold back the curtain of stars

Your hand opens the door to the abyss.

INCINERATION then PURIFICATION.

and the Son rises on the Elect 

renewed reborn 

PARADISE.

T. Hills

2011

   

SUDDENLY HOME

When I started Shining Remnant in December 2010 the sole purpose was to reach genuine followers
of Yeshua in cyber fellowship and touch souls so damaged by the established churches
that they would find encouragement to bury the past and turn to their Saviour Yeshua
HaMashiach - Jesus the Messiah -  our Hebrew Lord and coming King.

Shortly after I left my Facebook site I was contacted by a Christian cyber friend with an invitation to join her new site "Believers Prayer Ministry"   Donna Jean Braman is a true daughter of the King and we
had had many discussions on the Facebook site and prayed continually for Israel and all Christians facing persecution and death for their witness in the Middle East and around the globe.

Yesterday I learned Donna had been killed in a horrific head on car crash.   I was
devastated by the report she was just a couple of miles from her home after spending Shabbat training children aged 5 - 15 in Davidic style Flag worship and dance, the first of weekly training session which would ultimately have led to a performance at The Feast of Tabernacles this Fall.   It is reported - "the children loved Donna and they had invited their friends for the next session the following week".  Sadly that was not to be, but hopefully someone will pick up the baton and continue her work.

May her ministry site live on to encourage those "left behind" in the challenging days ahead.
We truly need the gift of discernment as the world spits out false prophets,  dubious leaders and twisted doctrine.

Donna, your smile will never be forgotten, may Yeshua use you mightily in His Kingdom.
Until we meet again - Shalom

Nobody

There were billions of angels there,

saints and holy men kneeling in prayer.

Pilgrims stretching mile upon mile,

dancing children exchanging a smile.

Laughter mingled with shouts of praise,

and then I met the Saviour's gaze.

Naked I came, and naked I stand,

is this the place, heaven, this land?

He said he'd be there at the narrow gate,

my Lord and King who decides my fate.

I'm nobody, yet he carries me through,

as I search the crowd for the friends I once knew.

T. Hills

2003

And in a day that never ends, 

we will worship, praise and party with friends.

Until that day    SHALOM  

  

Hypocrisy

Luke 6 - 46

But why do you call me Lord, Lord

and not do the things I say

  

I could write a book on the antics of professing Christians who regardless of denomination are responsible for the empty pews, decline and disintegration of once thriving churches.   Hardly surprising both the Jews and the Moslems hate Christians, the world has witnessed appalling bloodshed by many who profess to follow Jesus,  and surely God will ultimately demand a "reckoning" for the lives of the innocents who died in gas chambers and the wicked atrocities on both sides of the denominational divide.  

Jesus warned "Not everyone who says to Me Lord, Lord shall enter the Kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven and in Matthew 5 -  five times He said "You have heard it was said

.....................................but I say.     He taught LOVE not HATE,  PEACE not WAR.      

Hypocrisy

I say one thing, and do another,

love myself and hate my brother.

Perhaps before I trip and fall,

your teaching Lord I should recall.

Failing this, I join the crowd,

those that hurl abuse out loud.

Inflicting pain, each hammer blow,

part of the mob that watch the show.

Humanity, wounded pride,

hold the sword that pierced Your side,

anguished cries that plead forgive,

Your sacrifice that I might live.

There can be no excuse for me,

I know you Lord, You set me free.

All my guilt and sin You bear,

in silent gaze, tortured stare.

My failure nails You to that tree,

still your love flows endlessly,

and as the dark clouds cross the sun,

You die for me, the battle won.

Talitha Hills

2003

        

        

GOD INCIDENCE not coincidence.

My bible looks as though it has really been through the mill.   Cross referencing back and forth between
old and new testament has done nothing for its appearance, but I love my Jack Hayford NKJV Spirit Filled Life version.  

One evening as I reached for Psalm 83 (a prophetic witness regarding current events in Israel)  I became aware the jacket covering my hard back edition was upside down.   I decided to have a tidy - and as I replaced the original cover I noticed three names in the panel of editors and contributors.     Reinhart Bonnke, Bill McCartney and Raleigh Washington.

It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord has sent the words of these men into my life at various
stages of my spiritual journey and how they have encouraged, strengthened and inspired my walk.
Bill McCartney and Raleigh Washington turning the spotlight on my Hebrew Lord.

But there is one unknown humble servant of Yahshua who will pass unrecognised through the halls of fame and celebrity in this world,  both religious and secular.    This diminutive widow walks the city streets and alleyways wrapping her arms around the unwashed, unloved, so called dregs of society, telling them "Jesus loves you - repent - and He will help you turn your life around".

In the most expensive street in the city she knelt to pray for a young man in the gutter whilst a parade of the successful and wealthy in their immaculate fashion drifted in and out of the exclusive designers stores literally ignoring the wasted form with obvious contempt.    Having established he wasn't quite dead even the police left her to minister to the man who she eventually revived with a much needed drink,  some food, practical advice and gentle witness.   She is truly "A pure flame"     Matthew 23.15
reflecting Her saviour's compassion for the poor, hungry, broken and fallen, shining His light in this very dark world.

Without the love of God (not merely church growth) and a love for people (not merely heads to count) at its core religious enthusiasm can only ultimately inflict deep scars and permanent damage on the Christian witness in a community city or nation.    (Reinhart Bonnke - from Aflame with Passion for World Evangelism)


In James Robison's article "Restoration"  he quotes Ezekiel v 11 - 12 - and comments
"God, then and now, wants His people to be directly related to Him, hearing from Him, responding to Him and living from His abundant life. 
HE HAS NEVER WAVERED FROM HIS COMMITMENT TO RESTORE THE INTIMATE LOVE RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS LOST IN EDEN.
Surely the Lord will bless all those involved in this wonderful study bible which has touched so many lives.


It takes seed planted by the written word or someone like Audrey reaching out in genuine love, without personal agenda, to fan the flame and bring the prodigals home.    Rauna May (the Canadian evangelist) once commented "don't be surprised if people spit at you when they realise you are a Christian - they have been badly hurt in the past by so called Christians.  
Amos 5.21 - 23 -  Its not ritualistic, empty sacrifices and mock solemnity, but it is all about getting hands dirty and following in the footsteps of the Shepherd King. 

I salute my dear sister in the Lord and am ever grateful for her friendship and guidance.    Although she is now 77 years old Audrey continues her street mission to reach the lost boys all victims of this world.    May the Lord be a mighty hedge of protection around her  and may He hold her in the palm of His Hands until the day when He will surely say "well done - good and faithful servant"

Victim

News flash on my T.V. screen

another boy dies in his teens.

He'd had enough and who would care,

the final trip - his empty stare.

His choice to follow friends and peers,

drown his sorrows, fight his fears.

Did they tell you little one,

success achievement equals fun.

There's nothing more to life than this,

the world portrayed as endless bliss.

You couldn't hack the winning scene,

became part of the dealer's dream.

Learning from a tender age,

to demand the current rage.

Coloured box that filled your space,

childhood lost without a trace.

Manipulation of the mind,

standards of the mass defined.

She tried to help,

she came to say,

Jesus loves you, please just pray,

and as your young life ebbed away

you left this world, forgiven.

Talitha Hills

2003

      

Although I was not aware of Audrey's street mission in 1994 she was directly involved with the distribution of the Reinhard Bonnke's booklet Minus to Plus which started my journey home to the Father.   For the last twelve years I have been privileged to be her sister in Yahshua as she continues to mentor many people through the battles and temptations most Christians continue to attract.   I thank the Lord for His messenger.      I am honoured to be her friend and know she is precious to the Lord.   Her crown of glory surely waits in His Kingdom to come.



 
       

Chapter 10 - Narrow the Path

Jeremiah 31 - 45

No more shall every man teach his neighbour and every man his brother saying 

know the Lord, for all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them

says the Lord for I will forgive their iniquity and their sin I will remember no more.

My future is in His hands.   He has carried me through refining fires and at times filled me with such indescribable joy.  The closer you get the more you realise you are a miserable sinner, unworthy of such great love that surpasses all understanding.

This God of love is merciful and forgiving.   But how could he possibly know my every action, thought, word and deed.   Modern technology perhaps our simplest comparison.   Your personal details are accessible, the hacker and underworld always one step ahead.   Security cameras follow your journey, small fry to a creator God.   The complexity of creation hints at His majesty.   The bible has predicted history and the earth is revealing her secrets confirming scripture.   God's plan is unfolding for us all.

The real test of faith comes when in the face of every imagined circumstance you can still stand and praise the Lord.   I would never have survived without His love and protection.   In the eyes of this world where success, achievement and materialism are encouraged and worshipped I am surely a failure but to know His amazing love is enough.

Spirit filled children of God can read the signs of the times and as in the days of the Lord gather in small groups knowing that Yahshua said "and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Matthew 28 - 20

Darkness is spreading around the globe, biblical precepts ignored and held in contempt by man.

God will not be mocked.   The day of the wrath of the Lord draws ever nearer.     Forget the pain inflicted by this world, parental wrath, denominational warfare and abusive leadership, come home to the Father.

The notice board outside a local church read "IF YOU THINK LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES WAIT TILL YOU DIE and hell,  maybe held in a dark place, tossed in a sea of miserable complaining souls

forever.

As I remember my journey back to my Father I know that His love for me is the greatest prize any mere mortal could hope to gain.

Enough to know you love me, enough to know you care,

Lord you heard my tortured cry and swiftly answered this child's prayer.

Enough to know you love me, in your hands I belong,

and as the twilight gently falls, enough to know you are my song.

Enough to know you lead me, and guide me on the path you planned,

forgiveness, peace, joy revealed, Your truth and way I understand.

And as the sun is setting and my day is all but through,

enough to know you'll lead me home to spend eternity with you.

Talitha Hills

2003

Recommended reading for rescued sheep.

The Pursuit of God - by A.W. Tozer.   (Truly inspirational)

The Great Divorce and Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis  - (Exciting - Brilliant)

Adrian Plass - The Visit  (Was it - did I miss Him - Whoops)

Adrian Plass - Bacon Sandwiches and Salvation - (Observation of the antics of church sheep)

Adrian Plass and Jeff Lucas - Seriously Funny - (Honest, and yes seriously funny)

Chapter 9 - My Hebrew Lord

Ezekiel 28 - 25

Thus says the Lord God

"When I have gathered the house of Israel from the peoples among whom they are scattered,

and am hallowed in them in the sight of the Gentiles,

then they will dwell in their own land which I gave to my servant Jacob.

And they will dwell safely there, build houses and vineyards; 

yes they will dwell securely, when I execute judgements on all those around them who despise them.

Then they shall know that I am the Lord their God. 

A few years ago I found myself browsing through a Christian mail order music catalogue having decided to send a small token of appreciation to a fellow Christian I had discovered was an advocate for Christian Friends of Israel.   Integrity Europe was promoting the C.D The Road to Jerusalem and I considered this might be appropriate.   When the album arrived I thought it prudent to listen to a few tracks before sending it on.

Kadosh (HOLY) by Susana Allen is without question the most beautiful rendition I have ever heard

and it was my introduction to the Jewish music scene which stirs the blood and captures the heart, and yes, makes you want to dance and praise the Lord.   It was also the beginning of a very personal journey to the roots of my faith.   I can't remember how many copies I purchased over the following months but they all winged their way to fellow Christians with the same dramatic effect.  Mighty is our God who has always used musicians, writers and poets to reach his children.  

Now I needed to search for the history of a people who for centuries had been persecuted and reviled for 

the murder of the Christ.  It was not a people but the religious leaders of the day who engineered the death of an innocent man whose very preaching they considered threatening and dangerous.  Pharisees, monarchs,  governments and denominations have happily disposed of any man challenging their leadership and authority.   Perhaps today, at least in the western world it would be less dramatic, maybe the accusation of being mentally impaired, dysfunctional, quietly missing, an unexplainable death.   In the dark corners of the Middle East the cry remains, death to the infidels,  Christian and Jew alike and for those who leave Islam to follow Christ,  decapitation.  But we have to remember many in the past have been murdered in the equally blood history of the church.   

The internet is a wonderful search engine.   There is no excuse for ignorance, seek and you shall find at the touch of a keyboard.   I decided to search for a historical Jesus outside scripture and I found the evidence when I entered the name Flavius Josephus Matityahu the first century Romano/Jewish historian and hagiographer who was credited by many to be the first to record the earliest history of Jesus Christ outside of the gospels.   Although he also mentions James his brother, strangely he does not mention Peter, Paul or any of the twelve apostles.   

   

Further delving revealed there is no letter J in the Hebrew alphabet.   The letter J was unknown in any alphabet until the early 14th century.    In the 1611 version of the KJV of the bible the Lord was Iesous

and James his brother Iames but the Jews called their Messiah Yahshua.    Yah - part of their Hebrew name for God - Yahweh and shua - meaning salvation or deliverance.    Yeshua HaMashiach  - Jesus the Messiah is the translation more commonly used.   

Further discussion with a fellow Christian led me to "Sound Doctrine for the Remnant"  Two dedicated

servants of the Lord aware of the growing apostasy in the Church had compiled a library of  teaching by various bible expositors.   FREE OF CHARGE.    Blessed by their obedience to Matthew 10   I now had access to the teaching of the late great Dwight Pryor, Jacob Prasch and David Hocking to mentioned just a few.   Studio Scotland Limited produced The Daniel Project accurately pointing to biblical prophesy that has already taken place. 

In the growing Apostasy that is moving towards one church under Rome there is confusion and  misinterpretation of scripture some teach that the Jesus they proclaim removed Israel from the picture.    The sheep are very obviously being led astray.   One fellow Christian commented

"In its missionary zeal the church has dishonoured our Lord, the Jew, Yeshua and has demeaned and even demoralised its brothers and sisters after the flesh, the Jewish people - all in the name of Jesus's love.

John Wycliffe one of the earliest opponents of Papal authority prophesied the future and was charged with blasphemy, pride and heresy.   He considered the Pope and the Antichrist practically equivalent concepts.  Bible translation was widely diffused in the 15th century.   The NVJ borrowed heavily from Wycliffe New Testament translation.   Thankfully the church has little power today whereas in the dark past any challenge to their leadership would probably have resulted in death by fire as a heretic, although they still find subtle ways to rid themselves of disruptive elements in both clergy and congregation.    

Religion

Flinging wide the heavy doors

smooth and cold the marble floors.

Precious relics glisten,

frozen angels listen,

statues view the empty pews.

In finery and rank they move

to their appointed place,

blank stares on each pasty face.

Bloody history whispers in the dark

on this place it leaves its mark.

Shining in the murky drizzle, hidden by the pageantry.

seeking the broken, bruised and lonely,

their church the street, their faces unnoticed,

precious sons and daughters scatters seeds of love and hope.

Talitha Hills

2003

   

Scripture reveals salvation is to the Jew and then the Gentile.   A person is born a Jew but accepting Christ he/she becomes a Messianic Jew and thousands are turning to the Messiah they missed.   A Christian cannot become a Jew.   We are blessed and privileged to be grafted into vine.  We are not the root.  We have acquired our salvation through our Jewish Messiah THE high priest of the church and no man take can take role.

The ugly face of anti.semitism and ethnic cleansing still rages in dark corners of our world.   Death to the Jew and Christian labelled infidels.   In this once Christian country the Balfour Declaration has been broken twice and political elements support further division.   Beware the God of Abraham - he will not be mocked.   As Keren Pryor so beautifully penned "The footsteps of our Messiah and King are drawing rapidly nearer.    May we indeed be ready and prepared to meet our beloved bridegroom Yeshua.

The Lord will return, not to the hallowed corridors of Canterbury, Lambeth Palace or Rome, but to Mount Zion His Holy city.   Those who truly follow Him have nothing to fear.   Those who are blind and deaf will see His glory and bow the knee.   Our Holy God will never break His covenant with His chosen people - Israel.

I continue to follow my Hebrew Lord believing I can only petition and pray for as the book of  Zechariah 4 - 6 teaches

NOT BY MIGHT, NOR BY POWER,

BUT BY MY SPIRIT.

SAYS THE LORD OF HOSTS.

Perhaps the beautiful interpretation of Steve Merkel's - Even so - by Paul Wilber on his album Lion of Judah say it all:

Even so, Even so, 

Even so Yeshua come

All creation cries for the returning of our King

Come and take your place on your throne Jerusalem.

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Chapter 8 - Leading and Healing

If everything on earth were rational nothing would happen

from Brothers Karamazov

by Dostoyevsky

There are so many unexplainable coincidences that can only make humankind realise how little we understand.   Science fiction writers with visions of man's progress and future journeying beyond this planet.   The prophets of the scriptures, warning voices crying in the wilderness.    They had listened for the still small voice.   

Like a night sky in the Greek poem I see with myriad eyes,

but it is still I who see.

Here, as in worship, in love, in moral action, and in knowing,

I transcend myself; and am never more myself than when I do.

from Experiment in Criticism

C.S. Lewis (Cambridge 1961)

The rush hour continued, people passed the house on their way to work.  Mail dropped on to the door mat, the world turned.   Our elderly collie joined her master the same week but the remaining dog needed exercise.   I sat in front of the television seeing and hearing the news,  absorbing nothing.   Silence closed in around me.   I knew I had to eat but I couldn't taste and I found myself absentmindedly pouring two cups of coffee or tea.   My little dog still went to the window at 4.30 in the afternoon listening for the sound of the diesel engine announcing the arrival of her best friend.   I slept with my arms around his favourite jumper but gradually his special scent faded.   Washed and pressed it eventually made its way into the pile of clothing handed to the homeless living on the city streets.

My general practitioner telephoned offering condolences and medication she said "just for a little while to help you through this period, or would you consider some counselling"   I thanked her for her concern and politely declined her invitation.   I had the greatest counsellor and I was holding fast to His promise.

Psalm 147 - 3 and 5

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Great is our Lord, and mighty in power;

His understanding is infinite.

Spring finally stretched out her hand the sun shone and the trees blossomed.    One sunny afternoon I was climbing a steep hillside to a popular vantage point for hikers.    A man sitting on a flat stone gazing into the distance plain turned as I approached.   I immediately recognised him as a fellow dog walker who I met at regular intervals and with whom I had often had a deep and meaningful conversations as we slithered and stumbled in fair and foul weather. 

He spoke "Hello, haven't seen you for a while,  you okay,  where's your other dog?"   My mouth was twisting out of control as I fought back the tears and somehow managed to answer his question.

Thankfully the "Oh I'm sorry" that usually induced a flood of tears never came.   He smiled and said cheerfully "Now never you mind my dear he's just caught the earlier bus"   I will never forget that man.   His words gave me hope.   The Lord uses the most unusual people and circumstances to reach the hurting heart.

Eventually I would hear Joel Chernoff's interpretation of Psalm 94 (17-19)

Had not the Lord been a help for me,

my soul would soon in silence be,

when I cried "O God I'm slipping away

Your loving hand supported me.

All you've done for me,

rescued me, and set my soul free,

all my life will be a testimony

of your love for me.

Three months after William's death ministering friends suggested I returned to the evening service.

On that first night they played Phil Driscoll's recording of Soldier over the sound system.   I couldn't praise I couldn't sing a note.   I just stood broken and bruised tears flooding down my face.

Soldier, standing on the battle line,

finding comfort in the water and the wine.

Yet your armour still so shiny and so new

but you're dirty worn and tired 

from the battles you've been through.

Soldier, standing on the battle line,

finding comfort in the water and the wine.

Though I am with you when the world keeps charging in,

I'll be with you, I'll see you through to the very end.

Later that year I sat in the evening service listening to a visiting evangelist Rauna May.   This woman was a mighty warrior pastoring a church in Canada,  ministering to the homeless street girls putting her own life in danger to reach the lost.   She told her story before giving a series of lectures which included

the Cross Story she had apparently found on the internet.

There was a young man who felt the burden he was carrying was so heavy he didn't think he could carry on.   He said to the Lord "Lord,  the cross that I have to bear is just so heavy, I'd like to change it for another one.   The Lord replied "no problem, just take it into the cross room and drop it off, look around the room and pick out whichever cross you want.   So he went into the cross room and put his cross down.   Relieved at losing the weight he wandered around the room which was full of crosses, some so high he couldn't see the top of them, some so wide he couldn't see how vast they were.   He kept looking and finally he came across a tiny little cross leaning against the wall.   Almost afraid to acknowledge that was the one he wanted he asked the Lord "that one - over there - can I have that little one" and the Lord answered him and said "that's the one you came in with"

Ruana continued - some times we feel the burden we carry is so heavy that we don't realise the burdens others have all around us, and we become so preoccupied with our own circumstances and our own situation,  but he realised that compared to others his was a tiny burden to bear.   In your hands alone it is a heavy burden, but placed in the hands of a living God it becomes light because there's nothing too great for Him.

I can still hear her gentle voice and occasionally play her tapes.     None of the crash, bang, wallop, heavy make-up, jangle and bangle showmanship of the new wave order, she was truly a woman of God. 

The impact of that story hit home.    Blinded by my own grief I was unaware how small my cross was in a world of pain and suffering.   I felt both deep shame and inspiration.   The author of that simple story will never know the extent of its healing power.  But I thank God for that person.     Ruana will never know how she spoke into my self centred preoccupation but even if she did I doubt she would have been collecting "brownie points" she is a true servant of the Lord. 

Because William's medical history was near perfect there was talk of an inquest, later reduced to an

autopsy.   There was an area of medical negligence and it was suggested I obtained both G.P. and hospital records with a view to litigation.    A spirit filled sister counselled "let it go, it was God's will and you must accept this" but as I had already paid a considerable sum to obtain the information I considered I might as well read through the hastily scribbled paperwork.   I was astounded to discover that his original consultation with a cardiac specialist had been exactly fifteen years earlier when the prognosis had been considered unimportant and probably caused by the stress of an approaching redundancy.  I remembered the incident at his bedside when I asked the Lord for another fifteen years, now it made sense.    Attempting to discern the words without any intonation "you've had it" could

have meant "no way his time is up" but the toneless word "you've had it" meant exactly that.   I had had

those years.    They say angels collect tears, they surely had a reservoir of mine that first year,

although my cheeky terrier took on the permanent job of collecting as many as she could.

Throughout the early years of widowhood I was comforted with vivid dreams.   For the first few months

I only slept for a few hours at a time.    My greatest fear was that William was in that special hell of the zealot children.

John 14 - (13 -14)

Jesus said

"and whatever you ask in My Name that I will do,

that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

If you ask anything in My Name, I will do it.

Try arguing with that.   I had asked Jesus to save William.   In my early years of study I was taught

Ezekiel 22 (30) that we can stand in the gap for non believers.    Now, more than ever,  I had to believe and trust in His word.

Some tactless Christians enquired "was he saved"  I could only honestly reply "he was an atheist"

and at one point where the same Christians insisted on pursuing this avenue of enquiry they were promptly silenced by my remark "Oh - so you know the mind of God" 

A few months after his death I had a vivid dream.    I was walking in total darkness.   I couldn't see my hand in front of my face.    In the far distance I saw the approaching figure of a little boy, he was golden from head to toe.   The child smiled and asked "who are you looking for" totally unafraid I answered

"William" again the child smiled and said "he's not here"  I awoke with a start.   The dreams continued, always reassuring, always comforting and so vivid I could remember every detail.

One afternoon much later in the year I decided to call on an elder from a previous church family.   She was also a widow actively evangelising the homeless living on the city streets.   When learning of the death of my husband she had remarked a tad insensitively but nevertheless in love  "its you the Lord wants".    I told her about the strange dream and my deep concern as to William's whereabouts in

eternity and she smiled and said "have you heard the Ian Mc Cormack tape.   "No" I replied "who is Ian Mc Cormack.   She said "I have a copy you can borrow it, I think you might be surprised at what you hear, it will help.

As I listened to the witness of this young man I was stunned.   Later I received video copies of  "A Glimpse of Eternity a True Story by the "jelly fish man" as he is known.   His testimony gives healing and hope that the Lord hears the praying mother and deals with some in their very last breath in answer to prayer.   Far from the rampant commercialism of the "new wave evangelists" he freely gives in obedience and compliance with Matthew 10.

Now the Lord was bringing closure.   Tormented by flashbacks and periods of self flagellation, I was questioning why hadn't I noticed the signposts,  what could I have done better, was I too wrapped up in self, was this punishment.    One particular dream brought acceptance.

I was standing beside his hospital bed with a nurse and suddenly William opened his eyes.   The relief I felt was tremendous.   "Oh thank you, thank you, God, he's alive" I exclaimed.    As the dream progressed I realised this was not the William I knew.   His personality had changed, he was irritable and depressed with ongoing treatment, warfarin medication and the dread of the mechanical replacement valve failing with all that entailed.    I felt as though I was carrying a heavy burden, the intensity of the fatigue increased until I was crying out "I don't think I can do this any more" at which point I woke.   Remembering every detail of the dream which seemed to stretch over months,  I felt the Lord was telling me William would not have wanted this.    To this day I believe at some point he was given a choice, to walk through the gate with his saviour or return to his butchered body and live as a semi invalid.    I believe he chose eternity. 

My personal situation was dire.    Neither William's life or our home was insured, we could never afford the additional cost.   I had lost the will to fight and staggered through each day on a meagre widow's pension.   My family were supportive but inevitably somewhere down the line I would need to make a decision regarding our home and repay the outstanding mortgage.

For a brief interlude yet another move required my full attention.   Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I would contemplate whether this decision had been made in haste, running again, this time from the pain of loss, perhaps in the relative peace of the countryside the healing could begin and although I often experienced sleepless nights and vivid dreams very gradually the gap extended.

The news my eldest grandchild was on the run sent me into a tailspin.   I knew the fate of kids on the street prey to drug dealers and prostitution.   She was just fourteen years old and vulnerable.   Now I was on my knees praying for her safety.

That night I dreamt I was walking towards a shining figure robed in white.   He stood on the top of a 

circular flight of stairs surrounded by white drapes.    I could not describe his face overwhelmed by the love and compassion in his gaze.   In his hands he held a large piece of transparent paper, gold flattened ribbon lettering forming a script.   As I approached the bottom of the steps I asked "why are the curtains drawn" he replied "would you like me to draw them back" for some unknown reason I replied "No"

perhaps I wasn't ready for what that would reveal.   He pointed to the script "do you understand"

I should have said "your servant is listening please explain" but all that came out of my mouth that was

not in gear with my struggling emotions was "I do know a bit of Hebrew" and I woke with a start.

What a stupid thing to say - and what did my comment mean - what Hebrew - why did I say something like that.   All I knew was the writing looked foreign.    As I lay hardly able to believe the experience I could only hope that the writing meant all would be well.

The following day I discovered my granddaughter had run to her father's mother who lived close to the area where she had spent the majority of her childhood.    Throughout the upheaval she was protected.   I would later dream of a young girl on roller skates negotiating the hilly surface of a skate park.   A man stood beside me and assured me "she will be all right" and I believed him.

The cluttered dark house at the beginning of my walk I believe was the dross that would have to be dealt with in the course of my spiritual journey, the baggage I would leave at the foot of the cross.   The sensation of a body behind the wall, the sudden loss of William.   The door leading into a garden beyond my wildest dreams is somewhere in the future.

In dreams I have walked through landscapes that have truly taken my breath away, found myself standing in a huge building appeared to be constructed of smooth white marble.   Young people moved in and out of the many doorways leading on to spacious gardens.   There was laughter, harmony, amazing peace and joy.   William was there surrounded by enquiring young people.   He knows me and I know him, but the earthly ties are gone, we are just children in the Lord's house.   There is no sickness, no need, we can run effortlessly at great speed.    He is a young again so I am resting heavily on the hope I will be transformed.

In one of our many lengthy telephone calls my daughter agreed with my view that suddenly every love song brought to mind not a human relationship but the Lord we serve.    Often my commitment and belief was met with ridicule but (Matthew 5 - 11) Jesus said "blessed are you when they revile and persecute you and says all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.  Rejoice and be exceedingly glad for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you"  and    Matthew 13 - 16  But blessed are your eyes for they see and your ears for they hear; for assuredly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. 

Thank you Abba for the blessing of revelation and Your promise, you are truly the wind beneath my wings.   

  

         **********************************

   

      

Chapter 7 - The Warning

The Warning

But now, stretch out your hand and touch all he has and surely he will curse you to your face.

Behold all that he has is in your power only do not lay a hand on his person.

Job 1 - 11

The temporary contract in the city was nearly complete and I was looking forward to a quiet, peaceful Christmas.   Although I had enjoyed the experience the early morning dash for the train would not be missed.  William placed a cup of tea on the bedside table.   "Its pouring down" he said "see you later chucky"  Half asleep I listened to the rain beating against the window pane, the cup wobbled precariously on the saucer as I struggled to keep awake.   I just wanted to turn over and go back to sleep but I knew I had to get out of my cosy bed, the temptation to drift off getting stronger every minute.    I faced a soaking walk around the edge of the local golf course with our elderly collie and the latest rescue a tatty little mongrel.

Over the years our home had at time represented a small zoo.   A succession of rescue dogs, cat, rabbits, hamster, not to mention a couple of ponies had required our affection and finances.   Perhaps it was time to call it a day, but when discussing whether or not to re-home yet another orphan William protested "don't be negative" and eventually the twelve week old terrier arrived and set about establishing her place leading the pack.   William would don a leather glove to avoid her needle like teeth before proceeding to rough play.  Now twelve months old she protested at my return to work with attacks on furniture and carpets.   At this juncture my income was swiftly absorbed by repair and replacement.

Returning home I dried and fed the pets, took a quick shower then changed into my business suit.   Dashing down the hill and up a steep rise to the local station I arrived on the platform only to discover the eight o'clock train was thirty minutes late, commuters stood under any scrap of shelter they could find and when it finally arrived I joined the undignified hustle for the few remaining seats.   The train door had conveniently opened before me and I was able to get a seat close to the rear exit.  

As the train stopped at the next station anxious faces peered in the windows hoping they would be able to find a seat.   A lucky few hit the jackpot, the rest crammed like sardines grabbed the nearest support.

A blind man had taken the seat next to mine his guide dog crawling to safety in the cramped space.   The third station approached and the train sped through much to the horror of the waiting passengers.

As the train hurtled towards its destination I observed a man towering above the rest of the passengers his head bent on one side against the roof of the exit compartment at the other end of the coach.   His hair was snow white in a style often described as a bob.   Commuting daily it was not unusual to recognise the faces of your travelling companions.   Often friendships began and a brotherhood formed fighting the rail service, cancelled coaches, wrong platforms, bodies close up and personal.   I had never seen anyone quite like the man towering above the rest of the passengers.   As the train slowly came to a halt bodies spilled on to the platform moving quickly towards the exits.  I knew I was going to be very late and had one thought in mind to make it across the city as quickly as possible.   

Pushed towards the main entrance I came to an abrupt stop, my way blocked.    A very tall man  seemingly around seven foot, dressed in a dark suit smiled down at me.    He gently took hold of my hand and said "Good morning sister, God bless you"   Amazed I found myself repeating the salutation.   "Oh yes, good morning and God bless you" and still very aware I was over thirty minutes late for work I continued to run out into the street.   I had little time to consider this encounter throughout the hectic day ahead.

Returning home that evening I searched the passengers waiting on the platform for the stranger.  The same faces as usual, friendly smiles, blank stares, others chatting, most anticipating the Christmas break.   I could not believe what had happened that morning.    Leaving from the front of the train the stranger should have been way in front.   I had left at the rear and was trailing the rush hour crowd.   Why did he chose to block my way?   I remembered his hair, ethereal face, beaming smile and those incredibly blue eyes.   Later that evening I  discussed the experience with William and in his usual matter of fact way he said "he was probably a head case"

Christmas Day arrived and I spent the day in bed a victim of the latest flu epidemic.     William never adept in emergencies opened a tin of baked beans and relaxed in front of the television.   Knowing my daughter was due the following day I prayed for the strength to cook the turkey on Boxing Day and somehow managed to cope.   The virus had attacked my inner ear and a now desperate William escorted me to the local medical practice just to confirm I had fallen off the end of the bed and was that normal?   

We celebrated the new Millennium with a box of chocolates and a glass of wine snug under the duvet

watching the televised parade of countries around the world partying.   We wondered what lay ahead but knew we had each other and I was grateful for small mercies. 

It is a blessing the future is veiled.   The events that followed at the beginning of February 2000 were the final "knock out blow"    The only man I had ever loved was now on life support after open heart surgery.   I sat by his bedside praying "Lord, if it is possible could you please let me have another fifteen years with him" but in my heart I knew it was a case of "thy Will be done"      A thought I knew was not of my making crossed the plea, "you've had it"  but as the third crisis hit his motionless body the words were forgotten.

Earlier that week my daughter had received positive news regarding her father's progress at the local hospital.   The doctor in charge was confident that once the chest infection was under control he would probably be treated as an outpatient and a sick note was issued to cover William for three weeks.   Her husband also considered her father would survive.   I was hopeful although I knew he had developed septicaemia and there was no hiding the fact that the infection had entered at the site of the intravenous

infusion.   

The very night she had received the encouraging news he had had a slightly better day and that his doctor appeared confident he would recover she had a vivid dream.   She was told her father would die and that at that point she was to tell him to go to Jesus.   She did not mentioned the dream to anyone wanting desperately to believe her father would live.   Prayers were offered at her church.   My sister, head of a Catholic school also requested prayers and mass was offered.  Her little school children prayed for his recovery.   My own church congregation and friends were also praying, so many praying for a self confessed atheist.

William began to deteriorate and as a bed became available in the city's university hospital he was transferred to their specialist cardiac unit.   William survived the surgery and one post operative crisis after another.   In the early hours of Sunday morning I had been told he was now stable and that eventually he would be moved into the recovery ward.   The young staff nurse explained "because he has been on life support for some time he may not recognise family when we bring him round and there will be a period of convalescence but you will be able to help with his care.   Her confidence assured me that the worst was over.   His critical condition and my bedside watch over the forty eight hour period had taken its toll, I was exhausted.

My daughter arrived to take my place at her father's bedside and informing the ward sister I just needed a bath, some clean clothes and a few hours sleep I left the hospital.   My son had arrived to drive me home and on the journey I brought him up to date regarding his father's progress.   As we arrived outside the cottage his mobile phone bleeped, it was the hospital.    William had suddenly deteriorated and they requested my urgent return.

On a Sunday morning the roads were usually quiet and my son more than likely exceeded the speed limit.   I suddenly became aware of the scent of flowers.   I asked him if he could smell flowers, he ignored the comment anxiously avoiding the speed cameras, watching for traffic police.    Arriving at the hospital I ran into the main entrance and up three flights of stairs and down a corridor towards the Unit.   My son-in-law stood outside the entrance and as I approached him he said "I'm sorry Talitha, he's gone"   My legs collapsed and his strong arms grabbed and supported me as together we walked towards Intensive Care. 

My daughter watching the lights on the monitor disappear one by one as life faded away remembered her dream and said "Dad, go to Jesus"     Within the space of six days a casual initial incorrect diagnosis, hospital infection and severe shortage of beds in the necessary specialised hospital had claimed his life.   The only man I had ever loved had disappeared.

Matthew 5 - 4  Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.

If anything could get me through this trial it would be my belief in a gracious merciful loving Father and I crawled under the shelter of His wings.

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